I write this with love.
Your face is so pale. Sometimes I feel like I can see through your skin. I know you have to pay your part of the rent. The long nights you spend outside with strange men, the long days you spend in bed till the light’s gone. Your son keeps crying for you but I can only tell him, “Mommy’s tired, she needs to rest.”
People used to say how much of a dreamer you were, you had so much life in you. You were untouchable. The boys felt intimidated. The girls were jealous. You had so much going on for you. People still talk about you, talk silently. The whispers are loud enough for my ears.They say that you are slowly wasting. Your chubby cheeks are no longer there, they see the sunken ones, and your pale lips. They say the worst is about to happen to you, that you are just slowly fading.
Last night I heard your music blasting from your room. I was glad that you were not out in the streets but Tommy had to sleep. I walked to your door hoping to convince you to turn down the music. My joy was short lived. I could smell it.I knew you didn’t go out since you had just enough to buy a few grams for your pipe. My heart sunk. You must have taken a little too much to black you out as I later heard you furiously leaving the house, like you were late for some appointment. It was cold outside. I wonder if you remembered to take your coat with you. A part of me wished that you would just fall asleep and at least for once I would say my daughter slept at home. Sad that the grams fly you to another world right outside our door, too cold but feels warm enough for you.
I wish I could take you shopping. I found your tattered gloves and stockings. Tommy saw you today. He told me mommy’s wet. I wonder what happened as there was no rain outside. These men you play with, one day you will try so hard to swim and stay afloat as they drown your innocent soul. I left some loose change on my dresser but I can’t find them now. It’s not hard to figure out where they went. I hope you changed your clothes before you jumped into bed, I just changed the sheets yesterday after I found them with blood stains. Did you start injecting too?
I know we haven’t talked about it. It has been a taboo but we can’t keep running away from the truth. You tried to tell me but I didn’t believe you. I know why he bought you that car. You were always his favorite and I didn’t think much of that. I was just glad that you two got along quite well. I should have believed you. I should have taken you seriously when you torched your car. Instead I was mad at you for destroying it, when all you were trying to tell me was that he was destroying your life. Did I have to wait for Tommy to be born to believe you? NO! I was blinded by his charm too. We were both played, but I should have protected you as my daughter.
I know you keep telling me that Tommy is mine, but he came from your womb. Even though he is daddy’s he is still your son. You tried to get rid of him but God had better plans for the both of you. It pains me that you had to go through all that. I should have been a better mother. I should have believed you. I should have protected you. You should have been my first priority, and I am deeply and forever will be sorry for not doing it right the first time. It pains me more to see you throwing away your life.
There are things that I should have told you a long time ago but I will tell you now. I see in you what other people do not see. You are my precious daughter, my delight. You shine with light. You are beautiful. I understand your pain, confusion, anger and frustration. I understand your tears and I care too much for you to watch you waste away in the grams and in selling your love to strange men. You are the most important thing that has ever happened to me and my love for you will never end. I know you think that I wish for another daughter like you always tell me, but no one could ever replace you. God created you special and unique just for me and I will never forsake you. No matter how bad things are, I will still love you to the very end.
God designed our lives to move in seasons. There is a season of pain and a season of healing, a season when everything seems to be falling apart and a season when God makes all things brand new. There is a season to cry endless tears, and a season to rejoice and dance the night and day away. A season of health and a season of sickness.
Unfortunately, my season has changed for the worst. I have cancer. Maybe I am being punished for being a bad mother. I’ve known this for the past three months and things are not good. I try to clean up the bathroom well so that you do not find the pieces of my fallen hair. I am not reaching out to you because I am sick. I love you too much and I can only wish that as my season changes for the worst, that yours may be blessed because you deserve nothing but the best.
Do not give up yet. I see your hopelessness, the brokenness in our family and your friendships has taken the toll on you. I see the pain in your eyes, your beautiful soul that was once filled with joy is now crushed beneath your daily struggles. Despite all these, I still see your beautiful heart. You were born for greatness. I am sorry for all the things I did not do for you. I pray that you will find that piece of you that you lost in your tragedy, and know that forgiveness will free you more than you can ever imagine.
I love you very very much. May you find a place in your heart to forgive me and all who have done you wrong, and reclaim your life. I will be waiting for you on the other side of your door.
Love,
Mommy.
I Am Bush_locked
I Am Bush_Locked 