Musings of an Imperfect Girl

Perfection. That’s a struggle I know so well of. I’ve made mistakes before and did things that I shouldn’t have done. Every so often I’d wake up feeling guilty and condemned, wondering why I was still struggling with the same issues. Sometimes I’d think that I really couldn’t get things right, how could God love me and bless me with all my imperfections? I thought that once I overcame my weaknesses, only then could I have favor from God. I limited the possibilities of my God, like he could only bless me if I was perfect. I was wrong.

As I was doing my daily devotion the other day, I read a verse in the Bible that mentioned how God’s eyes search the earth and how He shows Himself strong to those who are committed to Him. Right then I realized that He is not looking for those who behave perfectly and make no mistakes. He is looking for those who genuinely want to please Him despite the mistakes that they make or have made. That deep down, despite everything, they want to truly honor Him with their lives. That He is more pleased with those who sometimes make mistakes but have the right heart, than those who always perform perfectly but have the wrong heart.

The Pharisees, for example, did everything right; they prayed, tithed and performed religious ceremonies like they were required to. Even after doing all these things, God compared them to tombs, which were kept clean on the outside but were full of dead bones and unclean things on the inside. They were hypocrites and full of wickedness and their hearts were not right with God. On the other hand, while he was choosing His disciples, he did not go for people who had it all together, He chose people who had weaknesses and flaws, but when he had handpicked them all, he told them that He had chosen them not because they were perfect, but because their hearts were turned towards Him.

The thing about God is that he sees what others cannot see; He sees the heart while others concentrate on the behavior and performance. We might not have it all together, we might need a change of attitude or an improvement of our character but as long as our hearts are sincere and right with God, He is willing to show Himself strong in our lives and mold us to become better persons. If God can accept me with my flaws, as long as my heart is committed to Him, I think it’s only fair that I accept myself with my weaknesses and seek Him daily as I allow him to change me.

For the longest time I have let the enemy convince me how I don’t deserve God’s favor and blessings by always reminding me of my struggles and mistakes, essentially trying to keep me away from my destiny, forgetting that God already put a mark of approval on me when He created me. I have to stop remembering what God has forgiven and forgotten. I have to stop listening to the enemy accusing me of everything that I am not. The Bible says that I should put on God’s approval as my breastplate, this way, every chain of condemnation, guilt, disapproval, inferiority and low self-esteem are broken. When you know that you are approved by God, there’s a kind of feeling of freedom that comes with it.

I understand that in this process, there will be moments of self-doubt, not everything will be perfect all the time, but I also understand that I am an unfinished product. God is the porter and He is still molding me every day taking me from one phase of glory to another. I can either choose to sulk and beat myself up for the mistakes I have done or will do, or choose to accept that I am not perfect and focus my heart on Him instead as I let Him take care of my struggles and weaknesses.

I thank God that He has approved me, that He is not a fault-finder, that He is full of mercy and shows us favor when we least deserve it. If He saw straight through the heart of the woman with the alabaster box and forgave her, then I am not far from restoration and healing. His grace is sufficient for us all, and for that, I am grateful!

I Am Bush_Locked 🙂

Dear Daughter,

I write this with love.

Your face is so pale. Sometimes I feel like I can see through your skin. I know you have to pay your part of the rent. The long nights you spend outside with strange men, the long days you spend in bed till the light’s gone. Your son keeps crying for you but I can only tell him, “Mommy’s tired, she needs to rest.”

People used to say how much of a dreamer you were, you had so much life in you. You were untouchable. The boys felt intimidated. The girls were jealous. You had so much going on for you. People still talk about you, talk silently. The whispers are loud enough for my ears.They say that you are slowly wasting. Your chubby cheeks are no longer there, they see the sunken ones, and your pale lips. They say the worst is about to happen to you, that you are just slowly fading.

Last night I heard your music blasting from your room. I was glad that you were not out in the streets but Tommy had to sleep. I walked to your door hoping to convince you to turn down the music. My joy was short lived. I could smell it.I knew you didn’t go out since you had just enough to buy a few grams for your pipe. My heart sunk. You must have taken a little too much to black you out as I later heard you furiously leaving the house, like you were late for some appointment. It was cold outside. I wonder if you remembered to take your coat with you. A part of me wished that you would just fall asleep and at least for once I would say my daughter slept at home. Sad that the grams fly you to another world right outside our door, too cold but feels warm enough for you.

I wish I could take you shopping. I found your tattered gloves and stockings. Tommy saw you today. He told me mommy’s wet. I wonder what happened as there was no rain outside. These men you play with, one day you will try so hard to swim and stay afloat as they drown your innocent soul. I left some loose change on my dresser but I can’t find them now. It’s not hard to figure out where they went. I hope you changed your clothes before you jumped into bed, I just changed the sheets yesterday after I found them with blood stains. Did you start injecting too?

I know we haven’t talked about it. It has been a taboo but we can’t keep running away from the truth. You tried to tell me but I didn’t believe you. I know why he bought you that car. You were always his favorite and I didn’t think much of that. I was just glad that you two got along quite well. I should have believed you. I should have taken you seriously when you torched your car. Instead I was mad at you for destroying it, when all you were trying to tell me was that he was destroying your life. Did I have to wait for Tommy to be born to believe you? NO! I was blinded by his charm too. We were both played, but I should have protected you as my daughter.

I know you keep telling me that Tommy is mine, but he came from your womb. Even though he is daddy’s he is still your son. You tried to get rid of him but God had better plans for the both of you. It pains me that you had to go through all that. I should have been a better mother. I should have believed you. I should have protected you. You should have been my first priority, and I am deeply and forever will be sorry for not doing it right the first time. It pains me more to see you throwing away your life.

There are things that I should have told you a long time ago but I will tell you now. I see in you what other people do not see. You are my precious daughter, my delight. You shine with light. You are beautiful. I understand your pain, confusion, anger and frustration. I understand your tears and I care too much for you to watch you waste away in the grams and in selling your love to strange men. You are the most important thing that has ever happened to me and my love for you will never end. I know you think that I wish for another daughter like you always tell me, but no one could ever replace you. God created you special and unique just for me and I will never forsake you. No matter how bad things are, I will still love you to the very end.

God designed our lives to move in seasons. There is a season of pain and a season of healing, a season when everything seems to be falling apart and a season when God makes all things brand new. There is a season to cry endless tears, and a season to rejoice and dance the night and day away. A season of health and a season of sickness.

Unfortunately, my season has changed for the worst. I have cancer. Maybe I am being punished for being a bad mother. I’ve known this for the past three months and things are not good. I try to clean up the bathroom well so that you do not find the pieces of my fallen hair. I am not reaching out to you because I am sick. I love you too much and I can only wish that as my season changes for the worst, that yours may be blessed because you deserve nothing but the best.

Do not give up yet. I see your hopelessness, the brokenness in our family and your friendships has taken the toll on you. I see the pain in your eyes, your beautiful soul that was once filled with joy is now crushed beneath your daily struggles. Despite all these, I still see your beautiful heart. You were born for greatness. I am sorry for all the things I did not do for you. I pray that you will find that piece of you that you lost in your tragedy, and know that forgiveness will free you more than you can ever imagine.

I love you very very much. May you find a place in your heart to forgive me and all who have done you wrong, and reclaim your life. I will be waiting for you on the other side of your door.

Love,

Mommy.

I Am Bush_locked