Musings of an Imperfect Girl

Perfection. That’s a struggle I know so well of. I’ve made mistakes before and did things that I shouldn’t have done. Every so often I’d wake up feeling guilty and condemned, wondering why I was still struggling with the same issues. Sometimes I’d think that I really couldn’t get things right, how could God love me and bless me with all my imperfections? I thought that once I overcame my weaknesses, only then could I have favor from God. I limited the possibilities of my God, like he could only bless me if I was perfect. I was wrong.

As I was doing my daily devotion the other day, I read a verse in the Bible that mentioned how God’s eyes search the earth and how He shows Himself strong to those who are committed to Him. Right then I realized that He is not looking for those who behave perfectly and make no mistakes. He is looking for those who genuinely want to please Him despite the mistakes that they make or have made. That deep down, despite everything, they want to truly honor Him with their lives. That He is more pleased with those who sometimes make mistakes but have the right heart, than those who always perform perfectly but have the wrong heart.

The Pharisees, for example, did everything right; they prayed, tithed and performed religious ceremonies like they were required to. Even after doing all these things, God compared them to tombs, which were kept clean on the outside but were full of dead bones and unclean things on the inside. They were hypocrites and full of wickedness and their hearts were not right with God. On the other hand, while he was choosing His disciples, he did not go for people who had it all together, He chose people who had weaknesses and flaws, but when he had handpicked them all, he told them that He had chosen them not because they were perfect, but because their hearts were turned towards Him.

The thing about God is that he sees what others cannot see; He sees the heart while others concentrate on the behavior and performance. We might not have it all together, we might need a change of attitude or an improvement of our character but as long as our hearts are sincere and right with God, He is willing to show Himself strong in our lives and mold us to become better persons. If God can accept me with my flaws, as long as my heart is committed to Him, I think it’s only fair that I accept myself with my weaknesses and seek Him daily as I allow him to change me.

For the longest time I have let the enemy convince me how I don’t deserve God’s favor and blessings by always reminding me of my struggles and mistakes, essentially trying to keep me away from my destiny, forgetting that God already put a mark of approval on me when He created me. I have to stop remembering what God has forgiven and forgotten. I have to stop listening to the enemy accusing me of everything that I am not. The Bible says that I should put on God’s approval as my breastplate, this way, every chain of condemnation, guilt, disapproval, inferiority and low self-esteem are broken. When you know that you are approved by God, there’s a kind of feeling of freedom that comes with it.

I understand that in this process, there will be moments of self-doubt, not everything will be perfect all the time, but I also understand that I am an unfinished product. God is the porter and He is still molding me every day taking me from one phase of glory to another. I can either choose to sulk and beat myself up for the mistakes I have done or will do, or choose to accept that I am not perfect and focus my heart on Him instead as I let Him take care of my struggles and weaknesses.

I thank God that He has approved me, that He is not a fault-finder, that He is full of mercy and shows us favor when we least deserve it. If He saw straight through the heart of the woman with the alabaster box and forgave her, then I am not far from restoration and healing. His grace is sufficient for us all, and for that, I am grateful!

I Am Bush_Locked 🙂

Tears in my Heart, Pain in my Eyes

I found myself crying last night for no specific reason. And I woke up crying again. I’ve been going through a series of things all at the same time and people expect me to understand, to be strong, to be happy always, to be kind, to be accommodating, to persevere, to be drama free, and to keep my hormones in check.

The one person who truly sees beyond my smile is my mother, and she lets me put my walls down. I miss crying with her without having to explain why I am crying, because she understands that sometimes I need a break, that I don’t have to have it all together, that I can be weak with her, and when I’m done crying, she preaches to me, she encourages me and the burden feels much lighter.

I have never written any poem like post, more of spoken word, but this goes out to every woman who is going through something, big or small. We are strongest when we are at our weakest. If you can relate, know that you are not alone 🙂

Trust me again, give me another chance
She captured my heart, while I was in a state of trance
How can I let you in, when you let me drown once?
I am still choking, coughing out the water hurts
Let me be, broken trust, broken heart
Betrayal

I’m late, I think I am pregnant
I don’t know what to do; can we talk for a moment?
We both know I was not the only one, I was just a sloppy second
Get rid of it; don’t let it grow like cancer, malignant
Let me be, broken lust, broken heart
Betrayal

The more you scream, the more you turn me on
Come on, admit it is sweeter without protection
Urgh! Let me go, you don’t have to pay me the doe,
I didn’t ask for this you freak, not another clam streak
Let me be, broken snatch, broken heart
Betrayal

Your hair is growing thin; I made your chest flat
But you still fight me, when are you going to give up?
I might be down but not out, I’m a fighter
One day we shall be strangers with memories, hater!
Let me be, broken bust, broken heart
Betrayal

You’ve got the chills again, just take one more shot
What are you afraid of? You won’t get caught
How do you know that? My scars will tell it all
I am done with the pain, the sadness and the clots
Let me be, broken must, broken heart.
Betrayal

I Am Bush_Locked 🙂

Of Bush Shenanigans

I have lived in the bush in a sort of camp for almost three years now. It was hard at first being in an unfamiliar place and with a harsh boss. I remember I would cry almost every day. They say crying is a sign of weakness. I have to admit, I did feel weak and I was not afraid to show my vulnerability. My boss started to finally understand me and so did I. The tears were nothing compared to the laughers that I have had in this place. I believe I have found the most hilarious breed of people out here and they have no idea how funny they are.

The other day a few of my workmates and I were having lunch and we decided to share the funny stories that have ever happened to us. I have to say most of my workmates are not literate. Some of the things they know they picked them up just from working here and being exposed to different people from different backgrounds. One of the maasai started it off. I will call him Tony.

Tony once got arrested when he was a moran and taken to one of the cells in Machakos. He grew up as a pastoralist; all he knew was to herd cattle. One of the cell guards asked him what kind of work he could do, and naively he said that he could only herd cattle. “Do you see any cattle here?” asked the guard, of course with insults following after. He was then given a hoe to do some digging and was taken to tend to one of the vegetable garden that was growing cabbage. My dear friend Tony had never done any digging before in his life. He didn’t know what to do, so with a hoe in his hand, instead of striking the ground, he struck the cabbage! The horror on the guards face! “What are you doing?” He asked Tony sternly. “I’m digging like you asked me to.” Tony retorted. “Have you ever cultivated before?” The guard asked Tony. “I don’t even know what this hoe is for. I only graze cattle.” That statement was followed by a hard smack on his head. Poor guy, I don’t know what he ended up doing; he didn’t really quite tell us.

Being a herder, the only meal he knew was meat, milk and blood. The prison food didn’t cut it for him. He refused to eat for 19 days and the prison wardens, sensing danger, released him. The uncle picked him up on the day he was being released. He decided to buy him a packet of milk seeing that he clearly looked starved. He was so weak that the moment he took his first gulp of the milk, he collapsed immediately. I don’t know how that works but that’s what he said. When he woke up, they fed him the milk little by little so that his body could not take it with shock again :).

My other workmate, I will call him Mark, who was at least used to the modern life, was next. He said he was once approached by one of my other workmates; I will call him Ted, and asked if he could borrow his underwear and shoes for some special function he wanted to attend, and that he would return the items :). Mark was shocked, and humored at first, and then he politely explained to him that those were not the kind of things people share. Mark then told him that he could sell him his shoes, and he can keep them that way, but he couldn’t lend him his underwear. Ted was insistent though that he only wanted to borrow it for the day and he would give it back the following day. He just couldn’t understand why people don’t share underwear. After a while, Mark convinced him to just take the shoes, and promised him that he would buy him new underwear when he goes for shopping. Ted agreed to the proposal. When Mark finally shopped for the new underwear for Ted, Ted was so pleased that he wore them and openly displayed them for everyone to see :).

As we were laughing our heads off, one of my other workmates said that at one time in a local church, an old guy walked in during the sermon wearing his underwear over his trousers. As soon as the pastor saw the old man, he quickly thought of how he could save the old man from embarassment and told the congregation to shut their eyes for a small word of prayer, and as they were praying, the pastor signaled one of his associate pastors to escort the old man out and show him how to dress appropriately :).

My other workmate, I will call him Steve, was next, and he told us when he was young, he never knew what a maize plantation looked like. One time he was herding his father’s cattle and he saw a very green maize plantation. He thought it was his lucky day as he had found very green grass for the cattle. You can guess what happened next, I will not even say a word, let’s just say the maize was history, and so was he :).

Personally, I had an interesting encounter with one of our camp guards. I was just closing the office and I wanted to send him to my boss’ house to deliver something for me. Unfortunately he was just starting his shift and he didn’t think he could manage and asked me to call another guard. We use walkie talkies to communicate with each other at work. So I picked up the radio and started calling out for another guard, “ Askari Askari”, and he, standing right there in front of me, answers back, “Go ahead”! I just couldn’t. I died. 😀 😀

I Am Bush_ Locked 😀

My Kind of Engagement

I have always thought of how I would like my engagement to be like. I am different in so many ways; I drink hot water even when it’s hot outside, I’d rather have my dinner for breakfast and breakfast for dinner, I don’t own a dress or a skirt (but I think I should, I’ll change this one), I love social gatherings even though I’m an introvert, I find humor in things that other people don’t, at the same time I will catch a joke two seconds too late, I love my potato crisps with ketchup and my plain yogurt with honey, I don’t like shopping-I find it very stressful especially when I am unable to get exactly what I want, which is the case most of the times. You get the gist, I am just different, and I’d like a different kind of engagement.

I love my family, I don’t like it when we fight. I am like the biggest anti-fighting campaigner in our household and they know it, but when it’s time to laugh, we have a really good time, and we like making fun of each other, that’s how we express our love. Everyone minds their own business though, but when it comes to my engagement, I want it to be every part of their business. I don’t want my guy (I will use ‘my guy’ in reference to…you know…) to engage me first before engaging my family. This might sound a little bit odd, or may come across as old school,  but I consider myself an old soul.

I’d like my guy to sit with my family and make his intentions known to them before he engages me. I was living with my parents when we pretty much had nothing. My kid brother was too young to understand how hard things were, my elder brother was living with my grandparents at the time and my elder sister was in boarding school for most part of it. I was very understanding of the situation despite my young age, I was forced to mature beyond my age, and for this, my parents have always treasured me. Engaging my family is very important to me. I’d like my guy to show them that he cares enough to let them know that he has found love in me and would like to have my hand in marriage. I’d like my family to know that I will always be there for them despite the fact that this charmer wants to take me away from them. I’d like my family to feel comforted that I am being taken into the best hands of an honorable man . Things might not always be smooth but making a commitment to my family that he will take care of me regardless of the situation is what I want my guy to assure my family, because that’s what they did for me when it seemed almost impossible.

I do not like surprises. That’s the other thing that is different about me. I really don’t know how to react to surprises. I remember when my mom bought me my first computer, everyone  in my family decided to surprise me but I surprised them as I wasn’t really surprised! I was happy, but I just didn’t know how to react to the surprise, and after years of so many other surprises, I still don’t know how to react to them. I know engagements are one of the biggest steps in a man’s life and should be like the best moments ever. I know he would love to surprise me, and deep down, I know I want to make the exception and accept to be surprised, but I want to be psychologically prepared for it. My guy doesn’t have to tell me that he will engage me, but I don’t want any big surprise especially with crowds involved. I want it to be in every sense a private and romantic affair. My guy will have known me good enough to know what will work for me and what won’t. Well, I wish him the best of luck, and I hope he will understand if I don’t react as expected, more so, I hope I will be pleasantly surprised for the first time ever and he’d feel on to of the world, like he just hit the jackpot :-D.

I’d like my guy to put the ring on my finger even before he makes the big speech. I know this is unconventional, but I want him to have the confidence that I will say yes. I want him to be without a doubt that I am the woman for him and that I feel the same for him when he puts that ring on my finger. I don’t want a fearful kind of engagement; one that the guy does because he is afraid of losing me! I believe engagements should not be based on unrequited love; we both have to feel the same for each other and be confident about the step that we are taking together.

Well, these are just my thoughts, he doesn’t have to conform to them, but it would mean a great deal if he took these three little things into consideration, and the rest he can use his creative juices to make the engagement insanely cute and unforgettable. A girl can only dream, I hope my simple dream comes true some day ;-).

I Am Bush_Locked 🙂

Kiss my Bruises Away

I was going through my office inbox and came across an article I sent to my workmate about two years ago. I did not indicate who the writer was, but it was a good read then, and I believe it’s even a better read now. True men of honor who deeply value and respect women are alive and among us, and true love still does exist. I have to admit I am a hopeless romantic. For those who still haven’t found ‘The One’, delight in this beautiful piece. You are worth this kind of man. May you find the one who will kiss your bruises away 🙂

“There are men out there who will respond to your text messages. Men who will initiate conversations because they simply can’t wait to see what you’ll say next. There are men who will never be too busy or too preoccupied to wish you good morning, regardless if you’re a country or a block away. Men who remember to call when they say they will – because they want to – and those who surprise you with their curiosity about your sometimes monotonous days. There are men who aim to be the last person you talk to before you sleep and the first name you see on your screen when you rise. Men who show up on time – or even early – men who are genuinely excited to see you.

There are men who want to go on dates. Real dates. Men who want to take you out to their favorite restaurant and will never expect you to pay, but always appreciate the gesture. There are men who want to talk to you for longer than one drink after work, and longer than what’s enough to get you upstairs. There are men who you won’t have to convince to see you. Men who aren’t purely motivated to be your sexual company, but just love being around you. There are men who won’t wait three days — or even three hours– to ask you out again. Men who have grown past games and cryptic messages that you don’t have time to decode. There are men who simply, truly just want to get to know you.

There are men who want to hold your hand in public. Men who enjoy walking around department stores shopping for things they can’t afford but love the feeling of your tiny fingers interlaced with their adorably-bony knuckles. There are men who love sitting next to you on the downtown train just so they can look at your face, even if they notice the uneven lines and imperfect skin in the terrible lighting, because they can’t imagine another way to spend their Saturday afternoon. Men who wish they could capture the wonder on your face when you see a new part of the city you didn’t know you loved, but now do. Men who want to show you off to the strangers on the street because they find you so incredibly intoxicating. There are men who are happy to be seen by your side, thankful to be someone you chose to roam about town with.

There are men who want to be your boyfriend. Who are totally excited to introduce you as their girlfriend to their friends, to their families, to the women who try to pick them up in bars. Men who aren’t unavailable, who are ready for a relationship, who aren’t ripe with excuses why the timing or the situation, the feeling or the possibility just isn’t right.  Men who don’t blame yesterday on their immature inability to develop something today and imagine tomorrow. There are men who wouldn’t pass on the chance to be yours because they know how amazing – how special – how superbly wonderful you are, and that they’re lucky you want to be with them, and only them. There are men who don’t hesitate on title changes or commitment. Men who want to grow with you and learn with you, love you the best they can, be with you as long as you allow them to. Men who don’t reply “thank you” when you say those precious three words. There are even men who say that incomparable phrase first, not second.

There are men who are proud of your successes, not intimidated by them. Men who are amazed by your determination and passion, who see the things inside of you that you can’t notice yet, or decide to ignore. There are men who believe in your future as much as they believe in the world you can create together. Men who want to witness your bad times and your good, be there when you fail and celebrate when you find that sense of belonging that we all look for, but never know quite what it means until we stumble across it. There are men who know to buy yellow tulips and kiss your forehead when you’ve had a rough day, men who remember you don’t ever take advice in the worst of situations, but you’ll want to hear it in the morning. Men who remind you of all the things to come and promise to be there when you get to the top of that mountain you’re climbing. There are men who really mean that and are there at the peak. And in the valley.

There are men who listen. Men who linger on each and every word you say because they know they will never know too much about you, and are intrigued to always learn more, regardless of how long they’ve known you. There are men who have the ability to put your needs before their own, who remember the first time they noticed something different about you. Men who like the way you look right after a long shower or a night run, when you’re dressed to go out and when you’re in your sweats from college. Men who see your insecurities but find them only a small part of what makes you beautiful. There are men who will remember your birthday, the day you met, the moment they knew they loved you and when you made them want to be a better person. There are men who love your thoughtful heart as much as they’re turned on by your soft body. Men who know how hard you like it, what part of your neck gets you going and that sometimes, you really just need to be spooned until you fall asleep. There are men who will accept you for whatever you are, whoever you are, whenever you decide to be that person in that place. Men who will stand by you – and fight for you – because they know you’re worth it. Because they know you’d do the same for them.

There are men who will spend weeks, months or even a year planning the perfect way to propose. Men who not only realize how special that moment will be to you, but how important of a story it’ll be to the children you don’t have yet. There are men who want to watch the wrinkles form around your eyes and especially around your mouth, because they’ve spent decades listening to that laugh they love come out of the sweetest smile they’ve ever seen. Men who will leave you notes by your morning coffee or send you sweet – or dirty – text messages at work, even after you’ve been married fifteen years. There are men who will adore all of the things that make you a woman, even when those things bear babies instead of nights of sexual release, even when those things drag instead of rise to occasions. Men who will always remember what you looked like that day you walked toward them in a white gown with glitter on your eyes and the purist of hope in your heart. There are men who truly, honestly, completely will love you.

There are so many men out there. But you’ll never meet them if you don’t let go of the guys you really don’t want to find the men you really deserve. The men who are waiting to meet someone just like you.”

I Am Bush_Locked 🙂

Time for Surgery

I remember the first time I had to undergo some surgery. I had a growth on the lower right side of my tummy just close to the waist line which I would poke daily with any sharp object that was at hand and it felt good. It had become my disease and I liked the sweet pain. My ultimate satisfaction was to see it bleed, and I would poke it until it blood oozed out. I know this is not normal, but that was my opium and I loved it. There was this one time when I poked it so bad that the pain was unbearable and I almost fainted. That’s when I started to question my love for this growth. It was not harmful by any means, it was benign. For all I knew it wouldn’t hurt me if it stayed there for the rest of my life. But I was hurting it, and in the process I was hurting myself and my mom saw it. She felt the pain that I didn’t psychologically feel but was evident physically. She waited until I was done with high school when she booked an appointment at one of the hospitals to have it removed. I knew we couldn’t afford it but she had to make the sacrifice for me, just to see me live a painless life, just to see me stop hurting myself. It was pricey but I’m forever grateful to her for that decision she made for me. I stopped hurting myself, I stopped bleeding, I stopped poking, I stopped having a ‘tick’, a ‘parasite’ that was stuck on me and sucking the life out of me.

Fast forward and I’m now all grown up. Decisions have to be made and unfortunately mommy can only advise but she can’t make them for me. Sometimes surgeries are important, some can be life threatening but there is always that slim chance of things getting better. Life has a way of tossing lemons at us and expecting us to make lemonades, but what do we do when we have a lemon at hand and a baby in sight? Huh? We don’t make lemonades for them, do we? We give them the lemons to taste and wait to see their reaction. It’s always hilarious, but they will still taste it a second and third time even when they know so well it doesn’t taste good😂

Friendships are sometimes like this. We keep friends who we should have let go of a long time ago. Sometimes we hang around with people who we think are for us yet they are against us. Sometimes the people who you would defend at any given situation are the same people who would walk away from you when you need them to defend you for all life’s sake. Sometimes the person who you would take a fall for is the same person who is behind the trigger, waiting for the best moment to push on it. Lately I have been questioning a few people who are in my circle, so to say. Just because people hang out with you, laugh with you, throw parties for you and party with you doesn’t mean they are for you. Just because they smile at you as they hug you doesn’t mean that they are still smiling when their faces are on the other side of the hug. Just because they talk good about you in your presence doesn’t mean that they are doing the same in your absence.

People know how to pretend, and they do it quite well like it’s an important life skill or something. It’s very easy for someone to tell you that they got your back but very few of them will prove it. Loyalty is a scarce commodity, you have to be able to identify those who give it to you on a daily and appreciate them. I’ve heard the saying “I’m happy for you” quite a few times, but not everyone who says that wants to see you genuinely happy. Have you ever wondered how your circle of friends grows smaller when you are starting to do better with your life? I know it happens a lot when it’s the opposite case, but the moment your intentions get exposed, your friends circle starts getting smaller and smaller.

Not every person who you think is your friend is actually a true friend. I wish there was a guarantee that some relationships would last forever, but there isn’t, so I have learned to be very mindful about who I share my dreams with and who I tell my secrets to. Sometimes the people who tell you that they will be praying for you are the number one people laughing at your struggles behind closed doors, high five-in with your enemies, and that’s the painful truth.

I’ve had to really question myself about the people who are in my circle. Real situations will always expose the fake friends. Luckily, I have been paying attention for quite a while to notice a few things that have been off. People will drug you in the mud just to clean up their image. People will step on you just to get ahead in life. People will tear your life right to the ground, just to build up theirs. It’s a damn cold world. I do not talk to my two best friends as often as I should, but I know they are and will always be there for me when I need them, and so will I. Friendship is not about how often you talk, but about who will be there in your time of need, and how much you will be there for each other when it truly matters. It’s time for surgery. I have realized the saying, strength in numbers, doesn’t always count when it comes to friendships. Loyalty matters, not the numbers. I’d rather surround myself with a few people who will readily go through it with me when things get rough and who will easily have my back without hesitation. That type of loyalty and commitment is hard to find, very rare, but I’ve got to make this sacrifice for me. It will be worth it in the end.

I Am Bush_Locked 😉

His Fantasy, my Reality

Sometimes we women have this long list of the qualities we want in our dream man. The list simply shows that we are just looking for that one person who cares enough to try, one who is not perfect at keeping tabs but always seems to remember the little things about us, one who opens up to us in ways he has never done with other women. We are not hoping to get the man who matches to our list, we are just hoping to find that one man who shows us and makes us feel like we matter enough to them.

Two months ago I met this kind of man. He makes me the kind of happy that when I lay in bed at the end of the day, I am just like wow, who knew this kind of joy would even be possible? He gives me wings to soar and reach for my dreams. His joy is when he sees me happy doing what I love to do. He pushes me to go out there because he sees my potential and wants me to shine. He encourages me daily, and tenderly and lovingly shifts my mind-set to ‘I can do it’ from ‘I don’t think I am good enough’.

He soothes me when I am too hard on myself. This world is full of negativity that I sometimes get myself into self-criticism. Whenever this happens I always know who to run to. He doesn’t invalidate my feelings, but always knows what to do with me. He shifts my perception, and helps me look at things at a whole new different point of view and lifts up my spirits.He calls me warrior-poet queen, he thinks I’m amazing and perfect, when I am just a mere mortal. He says he loves his women like he loves his coffee, he has a twisted sense of humor which I get, but I know he means he loves them first thing in the morning, or right now, or maybe later, or actually always and constantly!

Miles can separate people but he is always aware of the importance of spending quality time together. He is always fully present somehow, and although we spend quite some time together, we have never lost our individuality. We have been devoted to each other as much as we have been devoted to our families, jobs, friends and other responsibilities.

When we like someone, sometimes we do not like to associate ourselves with our true authentic selves. We tend to create a personal false image to protect ourselves, to feel kind of safe, and to be easily accepted. With him, I do not feel like I have to do this. Unveiling my true feelings and meeting him from a place of truthfulness has made me realise how genuine love could be so fulfilling. Opening up to one another has never felt so safe and secure. He is my rock, my comfort, I could never think of anyone who embraces my imperfections and vulnerability in such a loving way like he does. He is a true gentleman, he never allows me to think any less of myself.

For two months I have experienced a safe place of love, purity, tenderness, fulfillment, joy and laughter. I have learned how to love unconditionally. I have learned how to provide for myself and him a place of relaxation, attention and appreciation. I have learned to break the walls that I had created more than once before to protect myself. I have learned that it is okay to be open, vulnerable and sometimes extremely sensitive. Knowing him has given me the strength to hope for reaching my greatest potential. It has opened me up to a unique space of love that is still inaccessible to many of us.

This pretty much sounds like a happy ending story, but I am tempted to say, ‘so much for my happy ending’.I know I haven’t been the only one. When I met him, it was too good to be true and I had my doubts. I sought the Lord in prayers to reveal to me what it was. That’s when he told me of his reality, and still, denying every tear and hurt, I held on. All along I have been his fantasy and I have agreed to take that position in his world. I wish it would be over, or I would be his reality and her his fantasy. When he calls me baby, I know I’m not the only one, but it’s music to my ears and it beats to the rhythm of my heart. When he tells me I’m special, I know I don’t have his heart even though he has mine.

I’m scared of how much I love him. I am scared that he doesn’t love me as much as I love him. I am scared that I am not the person that he is in love with. I am scared he is going to hurt me someday, and I am scared of what it means to be trying with him. I have learned however that people will come into my life and leave. Relationships, or friendships are seasonal most of the time, the same way with everything that has a beginning also has an end.

I believe that the best kind of love is one that we both recognize and be at peace with the fact that it could all change, that there will be no more texts, emails, chat time, and everything could possibly end at any time.When I think I have met my best friend and the love of my life, I may be let down. I have learned I should let go of such relationships and take its lessons with me and continue with my life.With this understanding I hope I can give it my all in my next, to fully explore what this kind of love has taught me with what is out there for the offer.

I Am Bush_Locked 🙂

Dear Daughter,

I write this with love.

Your face is so pale. Sometimes I feel like I can see through your skin. I know you have to pay your part of the rent. The long nights you spend outside with strange men, the long days you spend in bed till the light’s gone. Your son keeps crying for you but I can only tell him, “Mommy’s tired, she needs to rest.”

People used to say how much of a dreamer you were, you had so much life in you. You were untouchable. The boys felt intimidated. The girls were jealous. You had so much going on for you. People still talk about you, talk silently. The whispers are loud enough for my ears.They say that you are slowly wasting. Your chubby cheeks are no longer there, they see the sunken ones, and your pale lips. They say the worst is about to happen to you, that you are just slowly fading.

Last night I heard your music blasting from your room. I was glad that you were not out in the streets but Tommy had to sleep. I walked to your door hoping to convince you to turn down the music. My joy was short lived. I could smell it.I knew you didn’t go out since you had just enough to buy a few grams for your pipe. My heart sunk. You must have taken a little too much to black you out as I later heard you furiously leaving the house, like you were late for some appointment. It was cold outside. I wonder if you remembered to take your coat with you. A part of me wished that you would just fall asleep and at least for once I would say my daughter slept at home. Sad that the grams fly you to another world right outside our door, too cold but feels warm enough for you.

I wish I could take you shopping. I found your tattered gloves and stockings. Tommy saw you today. He told me mommy’s wet. I wonder what happened as there was no rain outside. These men you play with, one day you will try so hard to swim and stay afloat as they drown your innocent soul. I left some loose change on my dresser but I can’t find them now. It’s not hard to figure out where they went. I hope you changed your clothes before you jumped into bed, I just changed the sheets yesterday after I found them with blood stains. Did you start injecting too?

I know we haven’t talked about it. It has been a taboo but we can’t keep running away from the truth. You tried to tell me but I didn’t believe you. I know why he bought you that car. You were always his favorite and I didn’t think much of that. I was just glad that you two got along quite well. I should have believed you. I should have taken you seriously when you torched your car. Instead I was mad at you for destroying it, when all you were trying to tell me was that he was destroying your life. Did I have to wait for Tommy to be born to believe you? NO! I was blinded by his charm too. We were both played, but I should have protected you as my daughter.

I know you keep telling me that Tommy is mine, but he came from your womb. Even though he is daddy’s he is still your son. You tried to get rid of him but God had better plans for the both of you. It pains me that you had to go through all that. I should have been a better mother. I should have believed you. I should have protected you. You should have been my first priority, and I am deeply and forever will be sorry for not doing it right the first time. It pains me more to see you throwing away your life.

There are things that I should have told you a long time ago but I will tell you now. I see in you what other people do not see. You are my precious daughter, my delight. You shine with light. You are beautiful. I understand your pain, confusion, anger and frustration. I understand your tears and I care too much for you to watch you waste away in the grams and in selling your love to strange men. You are the most important thing that has ever happened to me and my love for you will never end. I know you think that I wish for another daughter like you always tell me, but no one could ever replace you. God created you special and unique just for me and I will never forsake you. No matter how bad things are, I will still love you to the very end.

God designed our lives to move in seasons. There is a season of pain and a season of healing, a season when everything seems to be falling apart and a season when God makes all things brand new. There is a season to cry endless tears, and a season to rejoice and dance the night and day away. A season of health and a season of sickness.

Unfortunately, my season has changed for the worst. I have cancer. Maybe I am being punished for being a bad mother. I’ve known this for the past three months and things are not good. I try to clean up the bathroom well so that you do not find the pieces of my fallen hair. I am not reaching out to you because I am sick. I love you too much and I can only wish that as my season changes for the worst, that yours may be blessed because you deserve nothing but the best.

Do not give up yet. I see your hopelessness, the brokenness in our family and your friendships has taken the toll on you. I see the pain in your eyes, your beautiful soul that was once filled with joy is now crushed beneath your daily struggles. Despite all these, I still see your beautiful heart. You were born for greatness. I am sorry for all the things I did not do for you. I pray that you will find that piece of you that you lost in your tragedy, and know that forgiveness will free you more than you can ever imagine.

I love you very very much. May you find a place in your heart to forgive me and all who have done you wrong, and reclaim your life. I will be waiting for you on the other side of your door.

Love,

Mommy.

I Am Bush_locked

Writing on the Wall: Tarcere e un Arte

Well, in case you are wondering what that means, so did I a few minutes ago! I just picked that out of a poster on the wall in front of my desk. I am random like that :). This is one of those days that I really really feel like posting something on my blog, I have plenty of fantastic ideas but I just don’t have the words to actualize them in writing. So I’ve decided to go with the flow and just use what I have and my eyes led me to this writing on the wall. Journey with me and lets see where it’s going to lead us to 🙂

Google translate is epic, in a twisted way. So I type in the words and it tells me the writing on my wall is Galician!?! Very funny google translate! I didn’t even know there is a language called Galician. Anyway, I work with Italians and I probably know that the writing is in Italian, so I google again and finally, the writing on my wall means ” Silence is an Art”. This is not something new to me, I’ve heard it before. It’s interesting though that the writing has been sitting on my wall for over the 2 years I have been here and I’ve never really paid attention to it until a few minutes ago.

The Bible has become my favorite book, so much one can learn from it, and it’s very interesting. Sometimes I get carried away and read it like a novel, it’s so captivating especially when you are devoted wholeheartedly to reading it. I was reading a chapter in it a few days ago about Jesus and dying on the cross. I still do not know where I am heading to with this, but so help me God I get the words right.

There is no one person that has gone through many trials and tribulations in their lifetime like Jesus did. He was a righteous man, blameless without sin, holy, the Son of God, yet so many people were against Him. Can you imagine the whole world crying for your blood and wanting you dead yet you are blameless? If I were in His shoes, I would have thought like damn, my father is God, I mean he is all mighty in every literal sense. Why do I have to suffer if he can take me away from these blood thirsty people? Of course, I am only human, and not perfect in any sense, that’s why He is Jesus, and I am just a sinner.

He knew why He had to suffer, He knew that all those people who wanted Him dead were sinners. He could have rebuked them, but He stayed silent. I mean, there is no one who knows this saying better than Jesus did “Tacere e un Arte”. How could I be silent if I knew my death was near and I had no fault? How could I be calm and ready for my death when I could save my self from the sinners? Thinking of all this is just unfathomable but God had better plans for Jesus and for all of us as human beings.

Jesus knew His death would bring salvation to mankind. Jesus knew His death would earn Him a spot on the right hand side of God. The art of silence is just not about staying literally silent, but knowing what good lies ahead of us despite our suffering. Jesus went through A LOT. Sometimes I think I have gone through it all, but when I think of Jesus and his sufferings, more so His suffering because of our sins, I am not even close to having it as bad as He did. I have not had to put up with suffering to the point of death, but He did. And for that, I praise God.

I have no closing for this, but in every situation, check the writing on the wall, it could reveal more to you that you may anticipate for 🙂

I Am Bush_Locked 🙂

The Beginning of my New Life

Yesterday was the beginning of my new life, and it was a horrible day! Lol! I relate new beginnings to goodness; like a new job, a new gift, a new boyfriend, a new car, a new house. Isn’t it only natural to believe new things are good? My new beginnings has nothing to do with materially new stuff, if I can put it that way. I decided to make some changes in my life. In terms of attitude, character, priorities, health and fitness, just to mention but a few.

My day had been going on well, was planning to do some jogging in the evening after work, I was putting in all my effort in my work, then the BOSS happened! I give him the crown for a party pooper! My party pooper! I don’t even know what I did wrong. Lol. You know the kind of people who just have a problem with you for something you’ve done, but since they can’t pick on you for that something, they look for something else and explode on you the moment they find it? Yea, so much for my new beginnings :). He killed it for me but I’m still alive and fighting on 🙂 :).

Today has been another unfortunate one for my new beginnings. I couldn’t locate some invoices which my other boss wanted ASAP (I don’t like it when people misuse this acronym in emails. Who feels me? Sigh!), and he shouts in the email (I wonder if ‘shouting’ is possible in emails, but you get what I mean), trying to play the blame game when I didn’t even see the said invoices, hmm, really? Another funny unfortunate episode is that I ate all of my workmates pasta and she was mad even though she didn’t want to admit it. Lol. I was sorry for that of course, but still, what is wrong with me just wanting to have a new beginning with no drama? Kind of feels like forces are working against me, BUT, I’m not going down without a fight yet.

Well, enough of that for now. Part of my new beginnings is reading the Bible. I’ve had the Bible in my room for quite a while now and am ashamed to say that I only kept it there to feel protected, to feel like God was always there with me. Sounds absurd but it’s true. But I know so well that a book just lying around unopened doesn’t necessarily mean that the knowledge from it will be absorbed just by looking at it; I have to open up the book and read it to know what exactly is written inside. This doesn’t mean that I have never read the Bible before, it’s just that this time round, I am reading it with purpose.

Yesterday I was reading about Moses and the Israelites crossing the Red Sea. The part that touched me the most was when the Israelites had very little faith in their leader Moses, they thought that the Egyptians would catch up with them and kill them. They told Moses that they were happier being slaves for the Egyptians than dying in the desert. Unbelievable! Isn’t that sad? Can you imagine thousands of people crying out to be enslaved than to be rescued? I don’t blame them though, that is what they had been accustomed to for years and they were uncomfortable with the idea of changed situations and circumstances. They were too familiar with being slaves that they only imagined the worst of their rescue. No one saw freedom, no one saw deliverance, they all saw death in the desert. Seems familiar, like when we are used to bad situations that they actually seem good or better than nothing…better a bad relationship than the end of it, better a bad job than no job, better bitterness and holding on to grudges than forgetting in case the same thing comes back to bite us on the behind again…

But what did Moses say to them? He told them not to be afraid, that the Lord was going to fight for them and deliver them, that they just had to be still. There’s a song we used to sing in High school, the chorus went like,”Be still and know that He is God, there’s no reason to fight, for the battle is not yours, the battle is the Lords.” Back then I didn’t know that the song was inspired by the crossing the read sea story in the Bible, now I know :).

For some reason, I will never forget this word. Many are the times we are afraid to take that bold step of faith because we think we will fail. I remember part of the verse when Moses was telling the Israelites that the Lord would deliver them, and God asked Moses why he was crying out to him, in the sense like God was telling him I have already given you my word, you do as I said and I will take care of the rest. Man, sometimes we just get the word from God, and all we need to do is just go! I know for sure that God’s promises are yes and Amen, but we still look back and ask Him, “Are you sure God?”

I have questioned God enough times. I have doubted that the place He has sometimes put me in is better than the place he has removed me from. This reading just made it clear for me. The moment I decide to go, I should just surrender totally and believe that God will send his angel to walk behind me, that he will not allow the enemy to catch up with me no matter how bad the circumstances look like, that he will always fight my battles for me and win, as long as it’s His will and His word, I should just stay still and let him work his wonders.

We do have an amazing God. The same God that delivered the Israelites out of Egypt, may He also deliver you from whatever situation you are in that seems impossible to be delivered from. Meditate on His word, believe in His promises, call to Him to fight your battles, and stay still and know that he is truly Lord 🙂

Be encouraged, be blessed.

I Am Bush_Locked 🙂