Time for Surgery

I remember the first time I had to undergo some surgery. I had a growth on the lower right side of my tummy just close to the waist line which I would poke daily with any sharp object that was at hand and it felt good. It had become my disease and I liked the sweet pain. My ultimate satisfaction was to see it bleed, and I would poke it until it blood oozed out. I know this is not normal, but that was my opium and I loved it. There was this one time when I poked it so bad that the pain was unbearable and I almost fainted. That’s when I started to question my love for this growth. It was not harmful by any means, it was benign. For all I knew it wouldn’t hurt me if it stayed there for the rest of my life. But I was hurting it, and in the process I was hurting myself and my mom saw it. She felt the pain that I didn’t psychologically feel but was evident physically. She waited until I was done with high school when she booked an appointment at one of the hospitals to have it removed. I knew we couldn’t afford it but she had to make the sacrifice for me, just to see me live a painless life, just to see me stop hurting myself. It was pricey but I’m forever grateful to her for that decision she made for me. I stopped hurting myself, I stopped bleeding, I stopped poking, I stopped having a ‘tick’, a ‘parasite’ that was stuck on me and sucking the life out of me.

Fast forward and I’m now all grown up. Decisions have to be made and unfortunately mommy can only advise but she can’t make them for me. Sometimes surgeries are important, some can be life threatening but there is always that slim chance of things getting better. Life has a way of tossing lemons at us and expecting us to make lemonades, but what do we do when we have a lemon at hand and a baby in sight? Huh? We don’t make lemonades for them, do we? We give them the lemons to taste and wait to see their reaction. It’s always hilarious, but they will still taste it a second and third time even when they know so well it doesn’t taste good😂

Friendships are sometimes like this. We keep friends who we should have let go of a long time ago. Sometimes we hang around with people who we think are for us yet they are against us. Sometimes the people who you would defend at any given situation are the same people who would walk away from you when you need them to defend you for all life’s sake. Sometimes the person who you would take a fall for is the same person who is behind the trigger, waiting for the best moment to push on it. Lately I have been questioning a few people who are in my circle, so to say. Just because people hang out with you, laugh with you, throw parties for you and party with you doesn’t mean they are for you. Just because they smile at you as they hug you doesn’t mean that they are still smiling when their faces are on the other side of the hug. Just because they talk good about you in your presence doesn’t mean that they are doing the same in your absence.

People know how to pretend, and they do it quite well like it’s an important life skill or something. It’s very easy for someone to tell you that they got your back but very few of them will prove it. Loyalty is a scarce commodity, you have to be able to identify those who give it to you on a daily and appreciate them. I’ve heard the saying “I’m happy for you” quite a few times, but not everyone who says that wants to see you genuinely happy. Have you ever wondered how your circle of friends grows smaller when you are starting to do better with your life? I know it happens a lot when it’s the opposite case, but the moment your intentions get exposed, your friends circle starts getting smaller and smaller.

Not every person who you think is your friend is actually a true friend. I wish there was a guarantee that some relationships would last forever, but there isn’t, so I have learned to be very mindful about who I share my dreams with and who I tell my secrets to. Sometimes the people who tell you that they will be praying for you are the number one people laughing at your struggles behind closed doors, high five-in with your enemies, and that’s the painful truth.

I’ve had to really question myself about the people who are in my circle. Real situations will always expose the fake friends. Luckily, I have been paying attention for quite a while to notice a few things that have been off. People will drug you in the mud just to clean up their image. People will step on you just to get ahead in life. People will tear your life right to the ground, just to build up theirs. It’s a damn cold world. I do not talk to my two best friends as often as I should, but I know they are and will always be there for me when I need them, and so will I. Friendship is not about how often you talk, but about who will be there in your time of need, and how much you will be there for each other when it truly matters. It’s time for surgery. I have realized the saying, strength in numbers, doesn’t always count when it comes to friendships. Loyalty matters, not the numbers. I’d rather surround myself with a few people who will readily go through it with me when things get rough and who will easily have my back without hesitation. That type of loyalty and commitment is hard to find, very rare, but I’ve got to make this sacrifice for me. It will be worth it in the end.

I Am Bush_Locked 😉

His Fantasy, my Reality

Sometimes we women have this long list of the qualities we want in our dream man. The list simply shows that we are just looking for that one person who cares enough to try, one who is not perfect at keeping tabs but always seems to remember the little things about us, one who opens up to us in ways he has never done with other women. We are not hoping to get the man who matches to our list, we are just hoping to find that one man who shows us and makes us feel like we matter enough to them.

Two months ago I met this kind of man. He makes me the kind of happy that when I lay in bed at the end of the day, I am just like wow, who knew this kind of joy would even be possible? He gives me wings to soar and reach for my dreams. His joy is when he sees me happy doing what I love to do. He pushes me to go out there because he sees my potential and wants me to shine. He encourages me daily, and tenderly and lovingly shifts my mind-set to ‘I can do it’ from ‘I don’t think I am good enough’.

He soothes me when I am too hard on myself. This world is full of negativity that I sometimes get myself into self-criticism. Whenever this happens I always know who to run to. He doesn’t invalidate my feelings, but always knows what to do with me. He shifts my perception, and helps me look at things at a whole new different point of view and lifts up my spirits.He calls me warrior-poet queen, he thinks I’m amazing and perfect, when I am just a mere mortal. He says he loves his women like he loves his coffee, he has a twisted sense of humor which I get, but I know he means he loves them first thing in the morning, or right now, or maybe later, or actually always and constantly!

Miles can separate people but he is always aware of the importance of spending quality time together. He is always fully present somehow, and although we spend quite some time together, we have never lost our individuality. We have been devoted to each other as much as we have been devoted to our families, jobs, friends and other responsibilities.

When we like someone, sometimes we do not like to associate ourselves with our true authentic selves. We tend to create a personal false image to protect ourselves, to feel kind of safe, and to be easily accepted. With him, I do not feel like I have to do this. Unveiling my true feelings and meeting him from a place of truthfulness has made me realise how genuine love could be so fulfilling. Opening up to one another has never felt so safe and secure. He is my rock, my comfort, I could never think of anyone who embraces my imperfections and vulnerability in such a loving way like he does. He is a true gentleman, he never allows me to think any less of myself.

For two months I have experienced a safe place of love, purity, tenderness, fulfillment, joy and laughter. I have learned how to love unconditionally. I have learned how to provide for myself and him a place of relaxation, attention and appreciation. I have learned to break the walls that I had created more than once before to protect myself. I have learned that it is okay to be open, vulnerable and sometimes extremely sensitive. Knowing him has given me the strength to hope for reaching my greatest potential. It has opened me up to a unique space of love that is still inaccessible to many of us.

This pretty much sounds like a happy ending story, but I am tempted to say, ‘so much for my happy ending’.I know I haven’t been the only one. When I met him, it was too good to be true and I had my doubts. I sought the Lord in prayers to reveal to me what it was. That’s when he told me of his reality, and still, denying every tear and hurt, I held on. All along I have been his fantasy and I have agreed to take that position in his world. I wish it would be over, or I would be his reality and her his fantasy. When he calls me baby, I know I’m not the only one, but it’s music to my ears and it beats to the rhythm of my heart. When he tells me I’m special, I know I don’t have his heart even though he has mine.

I’m scared of how much I love him. I am scared that he doesn’t love me as much as I love him. I am scared that I am not the person that he is in love with. I am scared he is going to hurt me someday, and I am scared of what it means to be trying with him. I have learned however that people will come into my life and leave. Relationships, or friendships are seasonal most of the time, the same way with everything that has a beginning also has an end.

I believe that the best kind of love is one that we both recognize and be at peace with the fact that it could all change, that there will be no more texts, emails, chat time, and everything could possibly end at any time.When I think I have met my best friend and the love of my life, I may be let down. I have learned I should let go of such relationships and take its lessons with me and continue with my life.With this understanding I hope I can give it my all in my next, to fully explore what this kind of love has taught me with what is out there for the offer.

I Am Bush_Locked 🙂