Dear Daughter,

I write this with love.

Your face is so pale. Sometimes I feel like I can see through your skin. I know you have to pay your part of the rent. The long nights you spend outside with strange men, the long days you spend in bed till the light’s gone. Your son keeps crying for you but I can only tell him, “Mommy’s tired, she needs to rest.”

People used to say how much of a dreamer you were, you had so much life in you. You were untouchable. The boys felt intimidated. The girls were jealous. You had so much going on for you. People still talk about you, talk silently. The whispers are loud enough for my ears.They say that you are slowly wasting. Your chubby cheeks are no longer there, they see the sunken ones, and your pale lips. They say the worst is about to happen to you, that you are just slowly fading.

Last night I heard your music blasting from your room. I was glad that you were not out in the streets but Tommy had to sleep. I walked to your door hoping to convince you to turn down the music. My joy was short lived. I could smell it.I knew you didn’t go out since you had just enough to buy a few grams for your pipe. My heart sunk. You must have taken a little too much to black you out as I later heard you furiously leaving the house, like you were late for some appointment. It was cold outside. I wonder if you remembered to take your coat with you. A part of me wished that you would just fall asleep and at least for once I would say my daughter slept at home. Sad that the grams fly you to another world right outside our door, too cold but feels warm enough for you.

I wish I could take you shopping. I found your tattered gloves and stockings. Tommy saw you today. He told me mommy’s wet. I wonder what happened as there was no rain outside. These men you play with, one day you will try so hard to swim and stay afloat as they drown your innocent soul. I left some loose change on my dresser but I can’t find them now. It’s not hard to figure out where they went. I hope you changed your clothes before you jumped into bed, I just changed the sheets yesterday after I found them with blood stains. Did you start injecting too?

I know we haven’t talked about it. It has been a taboo but we can’t keep running away from the truth. You tried to tell me but I didn’t believe you. I know why he bought you that car. You were always his favorite and I didn’t think much of that. I was just glad that you two got along quite well. I should have believed you. I should have taken you seriously when you torched your car. Instead I was mad at you for destroying it, when all you were trying to tell me was that he was destroying your life. Did I have to wait for Tommy to be born to believe you? NO! I was blinded by his charm too. We were both played, but I should have protected you as my daughter.

I know you keep telling me that Tommy is mine, but he came from your womb. Even though he is daddy’s he is still your son. You tried to get rid of him but God had better plans for the both of you. It pains me that you had to go through all that. I should have been a better mother. I should have believed you. I should have protected you. You should have been my first priority, and I am deeply and forever will be sorry for not doing it right the first time. It pains me more to see you throwing away your life.

There are things that I should have told you a long time ago but I will tell you now. I see in you what other people do not see. You are my precious daughter, my delight. You shine with light. You are beautiful. I understand your pain, confusion, anger and frustration. I understand your tears and I care too much for you to watch you waste away in the grams and in selling your love to strange men. You are the most important thing that has ever happened to me and my love for you will never end. I know you think that I wish for another daughter like you always tell me, but no one could ever replace you. God created you special and unique just for me and I will never forsake you. No matter how bad things are, I will still love you to the very end.

God designed our lives to move in seasons. There is a season of pain and a season of healing, a season when everything seems to be falling apart and a season when God makes all things brand new. There is a season to cry endless tears, and a season to rejoice and dance the night and day away. A season of health and a season of sickness.

Unfortunately, my season has changed for the worst. I have cancer. Maybe I am being punished for being a bad mother. I’ve known this for the past three months and things are not good. I try to clean up the bathroom well so that you do not find the pieces of my fallen hair. I am not reaching out to you because I am sick. I love you too much and I can only wish that as my season changes for the worst, that yours may be blessed because you deserve nothing but the best.

Do not give up yet. I see your hopelessness, the brokenness in our family and your friendships has taken the toll on you. I see the pain in your eyes, your beautiful soul that was once filled with joy is now crushed beneath your daily struggles. Despite all these, I still see your beautiful heart. You were born for greatness. I am sorry for all the things I did not do for you. I pray that you will find that piece of you that you lost in your tragedy, and know that forgiveness will free you more than you can ever imagine.

I love you very very much. May you find a place in your heart to forgive me and all who have done you wrong, and reclaim your life. I will be waiting for you on the other side of your door.

Love,

Mommy.

I Am Bush_locked

Writing on the Wall: Tarcere e un Arte

Well, in case you are wondering what that means, so did I a few minutes ago! I just picked that out of a poster on the wall in front of my desk. I am random like that :). This is one of those days that I really really feel like posting something on my blog, I have plenty of fantastic ideas but I just don’t have the words to actualize them in writing. So I’ve decided to go with the flow and just use what I have and my eyes led me to this writing on the wall. Journey with me and lets see where it’s going to lead us to 🙂

Google translate is epic, in a twisted way. So I type in the words and it tells me the writing on my wall is Galician!?! Very funny google translate! I didn’t even know there is a language called Galician. Anyway, I work with Italians and I probably know that the writing is in Italian, so I google again and finally, the writing on my wall means ” Silence is an Art”. This is not something new to me, I’ve heard it before. It’s interesting though that the writing has been sitting on my wall for over the 2 years I have been here and I’ve never really paid attention to it until a few minutes ago.

The Bible has become my favorite book, so much one can learn from it, and it’s very interesting. Sometimes I get carried away and read it like a novel, it’s so captivating especially when you are devoted wholeheartedly to reading it. I was reading a chapter in it a few days ago about Jesus and dying on the cross. I still do not know where I am heading to with this, but so help me God I get the words right.

There is no one person that has gone through many trials and tribulations in their lifetime like Jesus did. He was a righteous man, blameless without sin, holy, the Son of God, yet so many people were against Him. Can you imagine the whole world crying for your blood and wanting you dead yet you are blameless? If I were in His shoes, I would have thought like damn, my father is God, I mean he is all mighty in every literal sense. Why do I have to suffer if he can take me away from these blood thirsty people? Of course, I am only human, and not perfect in any sense, that’s why He is Jesus, and I am just a sinner.

He knew why He had to suffer, He knew that all those people who wanted Him dead were sinners. He could have rebuked them, but He stayed silent. I mean, there is no one who knows this saying better than Jesus did “Tacere e un Arte”. How could I be silent if I knew my death was near and I had no fault? How could I be calm and ready for my death when I could save my self from the sinners? Thinking of all this is just unfathomable but God had better plans for Jesus and for all of us as human beings.

Jesus knew His death would bring salvation to mankind. Jesus knew His death would earn Him a spot on the right hand side of God. The art of silence is just not about staying literally silent, but knowing what good lies ahead of us despite our suffering. Jesus went through A LOT. Sometimes I think I have gone through it all, but when I think of Jesus and his sufferings, more so His suffering because of our sins, I am not even close to having it as bad as He did. I have not had to put up with suffering to the point of death, but He did. And for that, I praise God.

I have no closing for this, but in every situation, check the writing on the wall, it could reveal more to you that you may anticipate for 🙂

I Am Bush_Locked 🙂

The Beginning of my New Life

Yesterday was the beginning of my new life, and it was a horrible day! Lol! I relate new beginnings to goodness; like a new job, a new gift, a new boyfriend, a new car, a new house. Isn’t it only natural to believe new things are good? My new beginnings has nothing to do with materially new stuff, if I can put it that way. I decided to make some changes in my life. In terms of attitude, character, priorities, health and fitness, just to mention but a few.

My day had been going on well, was planning to do some jogging in the evening after work, I was putting in all my effort in my work, then the BOSS happened! I give him the crown for a party pooper! My party pooper! I don’t even know what I did wrong. Lol. You know the kind of people who just have a problem with you for something you’ve done, but since they can’t pick on you for that something, they look for something else and explode on you the moment they find it? Yea, so much for my new beginnings :). He killed it for me but I’m still alive and fighting on 🙂 :).

Today has been another unfortunate one for my new beginnings. I couldn’t locate some invoices which my other boss wanted ASAP (I don’t like it when people misuse this acronym in emails. Who feels me? Sigh!), and he shouts in the email (I wonder if ‘shouting’ is possible in emails, but you get what I mean), trying to play the blame game when I didn’t even see the said invoices, hmm, really? Another funny unfortunate episode is that I ate all of my workmates pasta and she was mad even though she didn’t want to admit it. Lol. I was sorry for that of course, but still, what is wrong with me just wanting to have a new beginning with no drama? Kind of feels like forces are working against me, BUT, I’m not going down without a fight yet.

Well, enough of that for now. Part of my new beginnings is reading the Bible. I’ve had the Bible in my room for quite a while now and am ashamed to say that I only kept it there to feel protected, to feel like God was always there with me. Sounds absurd but it’s true. But I know so well that a book just lying around unopened doesn’t necessarily mean that the knowledge from it will be absorbed just by looking at it; I have to open up the book and read it to know what exactly is written inside. This doesn’t mean that I have never read the Bible before, it’s just that this time round, I am reading it with purpose.

Yesterday I was reading about Moses and the Israelites crossing the Red Sea. The part that touched me the most was when the Israelites had very little faith in their leader Moses, they thought that the Egyptians would catch up with them and kill them. They told Moses that they were happier being slaves for the Egyptians than dying in the desert. Unbelievable! Isn’t that sad? Can you imagine thousands of people crying out to be enslaved than to be rescued? I don’t blame them though, that is what they had been accustomed to for years and they were uncomfortable with the idea of changed situations and circumstances. They were too familiar with being slaves that they only imagined the worst of their rescue. No one saw freedom, no one saw deliverance, they all saw death in the desert. Seems familiar, like when we are used to bad situations that they actually seem good or better than nothing…better a bad relationship than the end of it, better a bad job than no job, better bitterness and holding on to grudges than forgetting in case the same thing comes back to bite us on the behind again…

But what did Moses say to them? He told them not to be afraid, that the Lord was going to fight for them and deliver them, that they just had to be still. There’s a song we used to sing in High school, the chorus went like,”Be still and know that He is God, there’s no reason to fight, for the battle is not yours, the battle is the Lords.” Back then I didn’t know that the song was inspired by the crossing the read sea story in the Bible, now I know :).

For some reason, I will never forget this word. Many are the times we are afraid to take that bold step of faith because we think we will fail. I remember part of the verse when Moses was telling the Israelites that the Lord would deliver them, and God asked Moses why he was crying out to him, in the sense like God was telling him I have already given you my word, you do as I said and I will take care of the rest. Man, sometimes we just get the word from God, and all we need to do is just go! I know for sure that God’s promises are yes and Amen, but we still look back and ask Him, “Are you sure God?”

I have questioned God enough times. I have doubted that the place He has sometimes put me in is better than the place he has removed me from. This reading just made it clear for me. The moment I decide to go, I should just surrender totally and believe that God will send his angel to walk behind me, that he will not allow the enemy to catch up with me no matter how bad the circumstances look like, that he will always fight my battles for me and win, as long as it’s His will and His word, I should just stay still and let him work his wonders.

We do have an amazing God. The same God that delivered the Israelites out of Egypt, may He also deliver you from whatever situation you are in that seems impossible to be delivered from. Meditate on His word, believe in His promises, call to Him to fight your battles, and stay still and know that he is truly Lord 🙂

Be encouraged, be blessed.

I Am Bush_Locked 🙂