His Fantasy, my Reality

Sometimes we women have this long list of the qualities we want in our dream man. The list simply shows that we are just looking for that one person who cares enough to try, one who is not perfect at keeping tabs but always seems to remember the little things about us, one who opens up to us in ways he has never done with other women. We are not hoping to get the man who matches to our list, we are just hoping to find that one man who shows us and makes us feel like we matter enough to them.

Two months ago I met this kind of man. He makes me the kind of happy that when I lay in bed at the end of the day, I am just like wow, who knew this kind of joy would even be possible? He gives me wings to soar and reach for my dreams. His joy is when he sees me happy doing what I love to do. He pushes me to go out there because he sees my potential and wants me to shine. He encourages me daily, and tenderly and lovingly shifts my mind-set to ‘I can do it’ from ‘I don’t think I am good enough’.

He soothes me when I am too hard on myself. This world is full of negativity that I sometimes get myself into self-criticism. Whenever this happens I always know who to run to. He doesn’t invalidate my feelings, but always knows what to do with me. He shifts my perception, and helps me look at things at a whole new different point of view and lifts up my spirits.He calls me warrior-poet queen, he thinks I’m amazing and perfect, when I am just a mere mortal. He says he loves his women like he loves his coffee, he has a twisted sense of humor which I get, but I know he means he loves them first thing in the morning, or right now, or maybe later, or actually always and constantly!

Miles can separate people but he is always aware of the importance of spending quality time together. He is always fully present somehow, and although we spend quite some time together, we have never lost our individuality. We have been devoted to each other as much as we have been devoted to our families, jobs, friends and other responsibilities.

When we like someone, sometimes we do not like to associate ourselves with our true authentic selves. We tend to create a personal false image to protect ourselves, to feel kind of safe, and to be easily accepted. With him, I do not feel like I have to do this. Unveiling my true feelings and meeting him from a place of truthfulness has made me realise how genuine love could be so fulfilling. Opening up to one another has never felt so safe and secure. He is my rock, my comfort, I could never think of anyone who embraces my imperfections and vulnerability in such a loving way like he does. He is a true gentleman, he never allows me to think any less of myself.

For two months I have experienced a safe place of love, purity, tenderness, fulfillment, joy and laughter. I have learned how to love unconditionally. I have learned how to provide for myself and him a place of relaxation, attention and appreciation. I have learned to break the walls that I had created more than once before to protect myself. I have learned that it is okay to be open, vulnerable and sometimes extremely sensitive. Knowing him has given me the strength to hope for reaching my greatest potential. It has opened me up to a unique space of love that is still inaccessible to many of us.

This pretty much sounds like a happy ending story, but I am tempted to say, ‘so much for my happy ending’.I know I haven’t been the only one. When I met him, it was too good to be true and I had my doubts. I sought the Lord in prayers to reveal to me what it was. That’s when he told me of his reality, and still, denying every tear and hurt, I held on. All along I have been his fantasy and I have agreed to take that position in his world. I wish it would be over, or I would be his reality and her his fantasy. When he calls me baby, I know I’m not the only one, but it’s music to my ears and it beats to the rhythm of my heart. When he tells me I’m special, I know I don’t have his heart even though he has mine.

I’m scared of how much I love him. I am scared that he doesn’t love me as much as I love him. I am scared that I am not the person that he is in love with. I am scared he is going to hurt me someday, and I am scared of what it means to be trying with him. I have learned however that people will come into my life and leave. Relationships, or friendships are seasonal most of the time, the same way with everything that has a beginning also has an end.

I believe that the best kind of love is one that we both recognize and be at peace with the fact that it could all change, that there will be no more texts, emails, chat time, and everything could possibly end at any time.When I think I have met my best friend and the love of my life, I may be let down. I have learned I should let go of such relationships and take its lessons with me and continue with my life.With this understanding I hope I can give it my all in my next, to fully explore what this kind of love has taught me with what is out there for the offer.

I Am Bush_Locked 🙂

The Beginning of my New Life

Yesterday was the beginning of my new life, and it was a horrible day! Lol! I relate new beginnings to goodness; like a new job, a new gift, a new boyfriend, a new car, a new house. Isn’t it only natural to believe new things are good? My new beginnings has nothing to do with materially new stuff, if I can put it that way. I decided to make some changes in my life. In terms of attitude, character, priorities, health and fitness, just to mention but a few.

My day had been going on well, was planning to do some jogging in the evening after work, I was putting in all my effort in my work, then the BOSS happened! I give him the crown for a party pooper! My party pooper! I don’t even know what I did wrong. Lol. You know the kind of people who just have a problem with you for something you’ve done, but since they can’t pick on you for that something, they look for something else and explode on you the moment they find it? Yea, so much for my new beginnings :). He killed it for me but I’m still alive and fighting on 🙂 :).

Today has been another unfortunate one for my new beginnings. I couldn’t locate some invoices which my other boss wanted ASAP (I don’t like it when people misuse this acronym in emails. Who feels me? Sigh!), and he shouts in the email (I wonder if ‘shouting’ is possible in emails, but you get what I mean), trying to play the blame game when I didn’t even see the said invoices, hmm, really? Another funny unfortunate episode is that I ate all of my workmates pasta and she was mad even though she didn’t want to admit it. Lol. I was sorry for that of course, but still, what is wrong with me just wanting to have a new beginning with no drama? Kind of feels like forces are working against me, BUT, I’m not going down without a fight yet.

Well, enough of that for now. Part of my new beginnings is reading the Bible. I’ve had the Bible in my room for quite a while now and am ashamed to say that I only kept it there to feel protected, to feel like God was always there with me. Sounds absurd but it’s true. But I know so well that a book just lying around unopened doesn’t necessarily mean that the knowledge from it will be absorbed just by looking at it; I have to open up the book and read it to know what exactly is written inside. This doesn’t mean that I have never read the Bible before, it’s just that this time round, I am reading it with purpose.

Yesterday I was reading about Moses and the Israelites crossing the Red Sea. The part that touched me the most was when the Israelites had very little faith in their leader Moses, they thought that the Egyptians would catch up with them and kill them. They told Moses that they were happier being slaves for the Egyptians than dying in the desert. Unbelievable! Isn’t that sad? Can you imagine thousands of people crying out to be enslaved than to be rescued? I don’t blame them though, that is what they had been accustomed to for years and they were uncomfortable with the idea of changed situations and circumstances. They were too familiar with being slaves that they only imagined the worst of their rescue. No one saw freedom, no one saw deliverance, they all saw death in the desert. Seems familiar, like when we are used to bad situations that they actually seem good or better than nothing…better a bad relationship than the end of it, better a bad job than no job, better bitterness and holding on to grudges than forgetting in case the same thing comes back to bite us on the behind again…

But what did Moses say to them? He told them not to be afraid, that the Lord was going to fight for them and deliver them, that they just had to be still. There’s a song we used to sing in High school, the chorus went like,”Be still and know that He is God, there’s no reason to fight, for the battle is not yours, the battle is the Lords.” Back then I didn’t know that the song was inspired by the crossing the read sea story in the Bible, now I know :).

For some reason, I will never forget this word. Many are the times we are afraid to take that bold step of faith because we think we will fail. I remember part of the verse when Moses was telling the Israelites that the Lord would deliver them, and God asked Moses why he was crying out to him, in the sense like God was telling him I have already given you my word, you do as I said and I will take care of the rest. Man, sometimes we just get the word from God, and all we need to do is just go! I know for sure that God’s promises are yes and Amen, but we still look back and ask Him, “Are you sure God?”

I have questioned God enough times. I have doubted that the place He has sometimes put me in is better than the place he has removed me from. This reading just made it clear for me. The moment I decide to go, I should just surrender totally and believe that God will send his angel to walk behind me, that he will not allow the enemy to catch up with me no matter how bad the circumstances look like, that he will always fight my battles for me and win, as long as it’s His will and His word, I should just stay still and let him work his wonders.

We do have an amazing God. The same God that delivered the Israelites out of Egypt, may He also deliver you from whatever situation you are in that seems impossible to be delivered from. Meditate on His word, believe in His promises, call to Him to fight your battles, and stay still and know that he is truly Lord 🙂

Be encouraged, be blessed.

I Am Bush_Locked 🙂

This Month Called August

I don’t remember the last time I had good night sleep. This month has been torturous, to say the least, but all the same rewarding. I cannot wait for my 2 weeks break starting in September. Reminds me of Green day’s lyrics, ”Wake me up when September ends,” only that I sing it out loud putting in August instead.

For now, I hold on to the little joys I find at night, with the 5 year old kid next door who prays like a preacher, you know, those long prayers with preachings in between, to the point whereby we just have to say Amen even before he is done praying, lol, that kid is too hilarious and unbelievable, but challenging all the same. He is blessed. I do not know where such a kid gets all this wisdom from . He makes my nights. Just maybe because of him my August will end with a smile on my face :).

I Am, Bush_Locked